2020 Reflections
In the final weeks of 2020, I wished for more peace. I’m looking forward to the day when we are all far away from everything that happened last year - when it looks like a distant memory and we’ll better know what we lost and gained collectively and individually.
Last night, I arranged luminarias in the shape of a peace sign and Travis helped light them. The glow was beautiful and I suppose it was our little gift to ourselves and anyone who saw it for making it through a really difficult year - one that I’d honestly like to start on fire if it weren’t for some good things that happened.
I’ve seen a lot of posts over the last week that are filled with gratitude for growth and experiences that happened in 2020, and I’m happy some of my friends and family members see silver linings. It’s true that beauty and turmoil can come from the same fire. However, as I move forward, I cannot write about positive outcomes without including pain. The two blended together, and honestly, I often saw and experienced more suffering than wonder during a year that felt completely out of control much of the time.
I’ve said this before - if you want to know my happy memories, look at my photos. If you want to know my sadness, read my words. My life is beautiful and I process the hard times through writing. I looked through my photos and journal tonight before coming to this space and I suppose what I know for sure is I’ll never forget 2020.
It was the year we adopted another dog. It was the year I sobbed in my desk chair at home because my brain couldn’t process all the lives that had been hurt by COVID-19. It was the year we fell in love with DoorDash. It was a year we watched our parents and loved ones struggle. It was a year I wrote poetry. It was a year I felt incredibly lonely. It was a year when every moment we got to spend with family and friends who live far away felt much more important. It was a year when humans creatively connected in distant and virtual ways, and Travis and I enjoyed working from home. It was a year of change and heavy loss.
Something lifted from my shoulders last night and into this morning as we reached a new year. January 1 feels like hope even though I know it’s not a magical light switch. COVID-19 is still raging and other problems don’t go away by replacing calendars. But I think many of us needed something that felt new, for better or worse. I’m grateful to sit in this space and process what has happened, knowing I still have a lot to be grateful for and look forward to.
I’ll have mixed feelings about 2020 for a long time. Mostly I’m glad to move away from it. But in the spirit of recognizing some of the good that came in the middle of long periods of loneliness and worry, I’ve made the song “Happiness,” by Taylor Swift, my breakup song to 2020. I hope to lean harder into gratitude, love, and hope no matter what comes next, and create the peace I’m searching for.
“There'll be happiness after you
But there was happiness because of you
Both of these things can be true
There is happiness
Past the blood and bruise
Past the curses and cries
Beyond the terror in the nightfall
Haunted by the look in my eyes
That would've loved you for a lifetime
Leave it all behind
And there is happiness”
...
“There'll be happiness after you
But there was happiness because of you too
Both of these things can be true
There is happiness
In our history
Across our great divide
There is a glorious sunrise
Dappled with the flickers of light
From the dress I wore at midnight
Leave it all behind
Oh, leave it all behind
Leave it all behind
And there is happiness”