Why I’m Okay With the Phrase ‘Beat It’ … Sometimes
In the early days and weeks following my breast cancer diagnosis, some friends and family lovingly and supportively acknowledged my “fight” or “battle” and said things like “you will beat it!” It was kind and I appreciated the messages, but words and actions like “fight” and “battle” and “beat it” didn’t resonate with me.**
My diagnosis, ductal carcinoma in situ, or DCIS, is the earliest stage of breast cancer. In fact, it’s considered Stage 0, a stage I didn’t know existed before November. It’s non-invasive, doesn’t require lymph node removal, doesn’t require chemotherapy for treatment, and has a 98%-99% 10-year survival rate. Because my treatment would be easier than a lot of cancer patients’, I didn’t feel like a fighter. I felt like someone who was dealing with bad luck rather than a woman engaging in battle. Sure, I felt brave in some ways; I was entering new-to-me territory and a lot of medical appointments. However, I know others who have had much worse experiences with cancer, and, to me, they are the true warriors.***
I was diagnosed on Nov. 10 and about a week and a half later, Travis and I met with a surgical oncologist and the medical team helped us schedule a lumpectomy for January. Between that appointment and the surgery, we were mostly in a waiting period with few doctor appointments. This was probably a central reason I didn’t feel like a fighter - there was nothing I could actively do to rid myself of the cancer.
So, life continued and we showed up to things we had scheduled, and this included attending a performance of MJ: The Musical, a stage production about Michael Jackson, on Dec. 13. I always love live theater - especially musicals - and I was excited for an upbeat show. We took our seats, snapped a selfie with the playbill as we always do, and eventually the lights dimmed. The show began with dancers practicing for an upcoming tour when an actor playing Michael Jackson entered the stage wearing an iconic tipped, black hat, a gold-infused black jacket over an unbuttoned white dress shirt and white T-shirt, black jeans, and black dress shoes.
“Looking good everyone, keep going,” Jackson said, then he quietly discussed something with his manager.
Music picked up and the song changed as another member of the cast removed Jackson’s black jacket. Then, Jackson quickly moved to front center and performed “Beat It” with everyone on stage. The energy was electric and the actor playing Jackson showcased the legend’s crisp moves with precision. Even though the real Michael Jackson wasn’t on stage, I was starstruck.
The openings to concerts and musicals often make me emotional because I love being in the middle of excited and happy audiences as performers create epic entries. The night of MJ the Musical, my emotions - more heightened than usual - rose to the surface and some tears fell down my face. This was the first time I resonated with the words “Beat It.” I thought about my diagnosis, what was happening, and what would happen. I think because the words were within a highly enthusiastic song, they felt more powerful.
Just beat it (beat it), beat it (beat it)
No one wants to be defeated
Show them how funky and strong is your fight
It doesn't matter who's wrong or right
Just beat it (beat it), just beat it (beat it)
After the show, I added the song to a “cancer playlist” I created on Spotify shortly after receiving my diagnosis. I don’t listen to “Beat It” often, but when I do, it doesn’t feel like I’m taking on words that don’t belong to me anymore. It feels like I get to choose how and when I own them..
I am currently in radiation therapy that started Monday. I will drive to the hospital five days a week for four weeks for appointments. I have to cover my skin with a thick layer of Aquaphor 3-4 times a day to prevent burning. Because the Aquaphor may ruin clothes, I thrifted a bunch of button-up shirts last weekend and aimed to find as many bright, loud prints as possible. I also reignited a goal to dance to at least one song every day. So now, as I drive to the hospital and live my life outside of it, I get to “show them how funky and strong is my fight.”
And I’m okay with that.
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**There is nothing wrong with using the words “fight,” “battle,” or “beat it” when encouraging people with cancer. These phrases have been socialized with cancer experiences by many cancer survivors and their loved ones, and I genuinely appreciate anyone who supports me. However, I personally did not connect with the words when I received my diagnosis and my relationship with them is evolving.
***My friends may not connect with being called Warriors. Words and identities are endlessly complicated and mean different things to everyone. From my view though, the friends I mention above seem stronger than me because they’ve been through more extensive surgeries and/or chemotherapy. That said, friends, including some who have had cancer, tell me not to compare struggles or diagnoses. I agree with them, even if I’m unable to follow that advice sometimes. Like many people, my thoughts are often mind games trying to trick me into believing that what I’m experiencing isn’t significant. However, as I undergo a marathon of radiation therapy treatments and whatever comes next, the significance of cancer, even at Stage 0, is apparent.